As some of you might recall, I did a post back in April welcoming a precious new baby into the world, Gabriel James Besserman. After checking with his mom, Kailee, I have decided to honor his life with this post. I only hope I can convey to you what a precious gift he truly was.
Gabe entered this world fighting. He was born on April 6th, premature because of some pregnancy complications, he weighed 4 lbs. 8 oz. Kailee and Marc spent the first months of Gabe's life in and out of the hospital for many different reasons. Gabe ended up needing to go to a feeding therapist and a physical therapist every week.
Maddi and I went to meet Gabe for the first time at the end of April...you can see here how tiny he really was.
Then the seizures started...he fought, but they fought harder. No matter what medication they put him on or how many different kinds they put him on, the seizures would not stop and only got worse. Emergency room visits, hospital stays, test after test, and still no answers...no progress. Sweet Gabe began to decline about 9 weeks ago; he no longer recognized Kailee, he could not track things with his eyes, and he was loosing weight. The Dr.'s decided that in addition to his seizures he had an unknown metabolic disorder...he was then labeled terminal. Kailee and Marc decided to do at home hospice and to forgo any more hospital visits. Kailee then became Gabe's nurse, his caregiver and most importantly still his mom. She was superwoman and amazed me daily with her ability to cope with a very sick child, his rigorous schedule of meds and feedings, and the inability to stop her son from being in pain. God truly granted her patience and strength during those weeks.
Gabe continued to decline...he lost his sucking reflex and no longer cooed. He did have a "button", which allowed Kailee to feed him through a tube that went into his stomach...this was also how she administered his medication. In the last week of October Gabe stopped tolerating his feeds and his body began to shut down. On the night of November fifth, I asked Kailee if she was ready for me to come there and support her in whatever way I could. She said yes. God immediately began to work to pave the way for me to get to her less than 48 hrs later. A plane ticket was purchased for me, my best friend Kristin's dad picked me up at the air port, Kristin left me to the code to her house and the keys to her car...all I had to do was show up...it was truly amazing how things fell into place. This is one time in my life that I can definitely say "God wants me to be here now."
Saturday and Sunday went by so fast. Kailee, Gabe, Chelsa (Gabe's feeding therapist and now Kailee's friend) and I spent the time upstairs watching movies, talking, holding Gabe, rocking him, and praying for the end to be painless. It was the saddest, hardest thing I have ever done. As a mom I knew the only thing I could do for him was to hold him close and comfort him, as a friend the only thing I knew I could do was listen and try to support her as much as I could.
I prayed. I prayed a lot.
Gabe in his comfy pjs. Relaxed.
These are all pictures from Gabe's last two days on this earth. He was not in pain. He did need oxygen on occasion to help with his breathing. He only opened his eyes once while I was there and he slept most of the time. He was usually peaceful.
On Sunday we wanted to take a few more pictures with him...
knowing that time was getting short.
What a blessing it was to hold this little miracle.
He touched my life in ways I never could have imagined.
Figa, one of Kailee's dogs, always came in to check on Gabe...this time he jumped up on the bed and laid down right next to him.
On Sunday night, November 8th, Gabe's breathing became worse. He stopped breathing many times between the hours of 5:30 and 10 pm...his little body was fighting so hard. Finally, at around 10:15 pm Gabe went to meet our Savior. His pain was gone, his fight was over, it was time for him to have a strong new body.
Why? Why did a precious innocent child have to live such a painful, short life? Why did his mom have to hold him in her arms and watch him die? Why did God let this happen? These questions and so many more have been running through my mind. I only find comfort in the fact that I know it was God's will, that I know Gabe fulfilled his purpose here on earth, and that I know he is now safe in the arms of our Heavenly Father. I only hope his amazing mother can feel that too. She has been so unbelievably strong though the entire process. I never thought I would see someone die in my lifetime, let alone a child...and I will say it was the worst thing I have ever been through, but I still can not imagine it being my own child.
To my sweet friend, Kailee, my heart aches for you and your loss. I too feel like part of my heart was taken away when Jesus called Gabe home. I hope that you can truly lean on Christ, your family and your friends during these difficult times. I also hope you know that I am here for you anytime and in any way that I can. I pray that Jesus wraps his loving arms around you and holds you close each time you feel lonely or sad. I pray that he gives you strength to wake up each morning and to make it through each day. I pray that he gives you a peace and understanding that cover all of your doubts. I know these wounds will never fully heal, but I hope you have reassurance in knowing you ARE the best mom Gabe could have ever asked for. I love you.
To my precious Gabriel, your time here on earth may have been short...but you will never be forgotten. You stamped your name on my heart and on so many that were blessed to meet you. You touched my soul. You were an angel placed here on earth to teach us how to love.
I know we will meet again one day and I hope I can hold you and rock you once more.
I know you are playing soccer in the fields of Heaven now and forever. I love you.
